I Will Not Wax Poetic About Near Beer

In 2.5 months, I will get to drink an entire real actual beer, all by myself. I am ecstatic for that day. In the meantime, I steal a sip here or there but it is really more of a tease than a taste. Like being stranded in the desert, and tasting a raindrop on my tongue before the blazing hot sun beats down on my head again, these moments are sweet but fleeting. Pregnancy has become my own personal beer desert.

If you are a beer sort of girl, and you are looking for a fake beer to get you through 9 of the longest months ever to grace the planet, and you search the Google and Beer Advocate for non-alcoholic beer options, you will find reviews of NA beer that borderline wax poetic on their near beer qualities. You will find recommendations for Clausthaler, Kaliber, O'Douls, O'Douls Amber, and more. These reviews seem to all be written by men who have either never drank real beer, or were kept from beer by health conditions and sometimes the law, and they are all total bullshit. After trying Kaliber, I gave up searching for better options. Kaliber tastes reminiscent of beer. Malty, carbonated, almost the right color. But it is in no way real beer. Do not believe a word of anyone that says it is. It is NOT. Enjoy it for what it is, or just skip it and order a soda, which is what I have been doing for now.

I am glad that November/December is just the right time of year for porters and stouts and everything dark and delicious. I can't wait.